When the Smoke Clears

Bought a Kindle many months ago. Use it all the time. 5 books read in the last 3 days now that I have a few days off.*
* Kindle goes tits up.
* On hold for Tech support: 42 seconds.
* Went through various tests, talked with Nick, an outstanding, professional person: 2 minutes.
* Nick apologizes. Says I’m [...]

It’s good to see you, too. The house you picked is nice.
HOWEVER, installing new floodlights pointing outwards all around your porch and creating a glow in the sky like a strip-mine on 24-hour operations does not really work on this part of the mountain. If you are THAT uncomfortable living way out in the [...]

when I get back, you and I are going to have to have a serious conversation. Firing alone is not enough to express my dissatisfaction with this vacation package for which you had me sign up.
First off, I’m not so sure this corporate retreat was really a corporate retreat. Most of the other conference [...]

Yo. This is T1G, with an RSM update…
Our hero wrote me a short note during a class, risking a 5,000 word essay, and, quite possibly, a serious thrashing. Seems the boy concussed his head on the day of the writing. Could explain his lapse in judgment, or he possibly thought it worth the risk. I’m [...]

I’m an Apple fanboy. Make no mistake.
But the new iPhone: HEY! it’s just a phone with some extra features. And it’s expensive. And it’s a first generation product of an entirely new product line. Possible problems? You bet.
Y’all who are camping out, most of whom are certainly looking to make a little money [...]

Hey Dude,
This Global Warming thing isn’t working. Should I drive my SUV around a bunch to help out? I’m frakkin’ freezing here.

Alright, Sir, I get it.
You can lay off the signs. Seriously. Especially all the negative ones that push instead of the positive ones that pull. Yes, I’d prefer a little more stability, but, you know… whatever You want.
Really, it’s cool now. Thanks.

If I wanted an omelet, that’s what I would have ordered. Scrambled eggs require movement. I’m not asking that you make them the way I do… in a double boiler, albumin filtered out… but please get some kinetic energy going. There’s a reason they are called “scrambled.”
And while I appreciate your enthusiasm, 2 eggs [...]

There is no soil in the immediate proximity. You can stop growing.

If you ask me how my weekend was and I mention that I had a date, please do not gasp, guffaw, let your mouth hang agape or stare incredulously.
It’s dispiriting.

You are no longer authorized to send me letters indicating you know and care about my needs. I cannot save any more on my home insurance except by getting all my neighbors to pitch in and pave the road leading out this way. That’s not going to happen. We decided it.
More importantly, you clearly [...]

With one exception*, please do not try to carry on a conversation with me while I am going to the bathroom.
I’m not comfortable with that.
—
* Occasionally, when far too many beers have been consumed and the focus is on the game, a conversation can ensue at a baseball stadium restroom, provided I actually [...]

Your attitude sucks.
Autumn is here, and as I sit outside on the lower deck, feet propped up, I see you over there standing tall, proudly higher than the highest points along the rack fencing. All summer I nurtured you. I fed you, I soaked you, each one of you eight, and here we are. [...]

With all due respect, you childish bastards, high school is over.
Six stores yesterday. I traveled to six stores in the city, including a couple of REIs, rummaging through their shelves, dealing with the traffic backups everywhere. You have no idea what traffic does to me. All I was really wanting was shoes. That’s all. [...]

You typed your password in wrong. Three times.