When the Smoke Clears

TO: Children

RE: Current Issues

In light of the recent economic downturn, we have had to make cutbacks, so the fewer number of helpers I have this year means I cannot respond to each of you individually.

First, I would like to address logisitcs. Stop it with the stockings. Your parents haven’t bothered to have the chimney swept in years, the few of you who have one. The last thing I need after dropping down a soot-chute is to deal with a jungle of used socks in my face. Nasty.

Note to Billy in Springfield: I know you are not using your own sock, but if you put up another one of those oversize stockings, I’m going to sneak up to your room and take a baseball bat to you while you sleep until the swelling and disfigurement leave you with a club-foot that will fit in that body-bag you hang. Stop being greedy. You’re getting 2 butterscotches this year. And not Werthers’, but some drug-store special.

Let this be a warning to you all.

Second, deliveries will be delayed this year as, apparently, Reindeer emissions have been declared an environmental hazzard. We cannot run them too fast or else they will breathe out more than their “fair share” of CO2, a naturally occurring substance vital to the survival of plant life, and subsequently all life on earth. (Consult with your parents on the paradox. Point out all known life is carbon-based and requires oxygen in paired bonds.)

Finally, it has come to my attention a number of individuals are acting in my name or at least are trying to carry out operations parallel to mine. These individuals include your Speakers of the House, Senate, and Chief Executive. Unfortunately for our privately funded operations, these people have the ability to compel by force the restructuring of our finances, though they have not learned how to amass wealth on their own through private enterprise.

In addition, they are carrying out these operations as a result of decisions by your parents, older brothers and sisters, and other adults without children, who do not understand that they, too, are supposed to be working hard in order to give to you this Christmas/holiday season. It appears they believe they are entitled to Holiday Largesse throughout the year so they are making you pay for their presents. You just don’t know it yet.

My recommendation: Get up, go outside and play with whatever you naturally find out there. Sticks are good. Pine cones are even better. (Let dead things lay where they are.) Then come back in, clean up, and demand your parents enjoy this Christmas by being with the people you love, sharing a good meal made at home, and being thankful for the reason we historically have celebrated this season*. Be grateful for whatever they provide and realize you are not entitled to anything that is the result of my labors. I give because I want to, but I can stop at any time. Enjoy love expressed without strings attached.

*Pagan hippies: Yes, I know it supposedly started with y’all killing trees in Europe. Deal. The Christians got it and ran with it while y’all sat back. Just don’t push me. While He will forgive you… that’s His thing… you really don’t want an angry saint you’d normally worship as a god coming after you. I can get into your house while you sleep. Smile and enjoy the eggnog. We still love you.

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