When the Smoke Clears

when I get back, you and I are going to have to have a serious conversation. Firing alone is not enough to express my dissatisfaction with this vacation package for which you had me sign up.

First off, I’m not so sure this corporate retreat was really a corporate retreat. Most of the other conference attendees were far younger than I, and I cannot believe they were executives. Sorry. Just my opinion.

After finally getting to the workshops, I was a little upset. I know for a fact I asked for a single room, and that I was willing to pay the upcharge to ensure I received one. Apparently they messed up my reservation.

When I went downstairs to ask the concierge to check his computer for my reservation, which is what I imagine “CQ Desk” meant, he just yelled at me. Loudly.

It was clear I wasn’t going to get anywhere with him so I figured I would wait for a shift change.

The next day I went down to complain again, a new person there with a really snazzy hat, kind of Australian looking, but she just yelled at me more. Well I guess I got somewhere because eventually I was moved into a double room to share with another conference attendee. It was better than seven others in my room. I realized a bit late that I should have specified that I wanted a door to my room. I generally don’t consider doors to be a special request.

I was very disappointed with the customer service aspect of the staff at the hotel, though. I’m sure there were some management skills to be learned by making my own bed, but it was never fully explained to me what those were, and I’ve never had to do that at any other hotel. What was worse was that the staff ended up yelling at those of us who did not make their own beds in a manner in which the staff should have been doing it. But we move on.

Most upsetting was that I know for a fact I requested a 7:30 wake-up call. Never got it. Never. The staff continually messed this up, awakening me at 5:30 at the latest, usually around 5:00, when the new shift came on, sometimes at 4:00. That was just not adequate.

To say I was miffed was an understatement. They should know how to tell time. Again, I went to the concierge to complain and again, I was yelled at. Well, I had had enough at this point and demanded to speak with their supervisor.

Apparently this lack of customer service attitude is endemic in the management team as well. The supervisor, a rather tall, imposing black man with a snazzy jacket with lots of pretty ribbons, just yelled at me even louder.

The entire staff would continue to yell and would only be placated when we assumed yoga postures. However, I would like to add that the “Front Leaning Rest” neither leans against anything nor is it in the least bit restful. Honestly, it felt as if I were about to perform a push-up type exercise and I usually felt more tired afterwards rather than refreshed.

I also felt you were deceptive in your description of some of the workshops. As for “Team Building” at other workshops I’ve been to, they involved making “Dream folders” cutting images from magazines or falling backwards for someone to catch them, while there are still mats present for safety. The use of actual live ammunition being fired by your “team” over your head did not engender the team building I was looking for nor was it entirely safe.

Our day at the pool should have been pleasant, but before I could change out of the workshop company’s pajamas with the funny (and might I mention heavy) tan boots, I was taken, blindfolded, given yet another weapon to hold and pushed off a diving board 10 feet over the pool, and told to swim to the other side. When I mentioned that it was difficult at best to swim, the callousness of the staff in their “then die” retort was disconcerting. Instead, they told me if I wanted a floatie, take off my pants and make one out of them. That a least was a little helpful.

And while the food was acceptable, I really would have preferred to have been provided with a place setting with more utensils than a spoon. Steak really cannot be eaten with a spoon. That day, however, at least I was allowed more than 7 minutes to complete the meal. I expect more from a dining service to be honest. I also noted there were no customer comment cards on the tables. I SO would have filled one out.

The workshop on “Finding yourself” was nothing more than sticking me with a few other attendees in the middle of the woods with a compass, a section of a map and a list of places to find. There were no discussions of short and long term goals or childhood dreams.

And while I do understand some spa treatments such as waxing can be a little painful, I do not understand the use of tear gas as a decongestant/system purifier. By the way, milk does NOT coat the stomach as the staff claimed, but rather curdled in the stomach. I’m sure something was working considering the burning pain on any exposed flesh, but I do not feel the repeated gassing was an effective exfoliant and the whole process could have been more conveniently organized. As it was, it appeared that the treatments were rather random, sudden, and if I were sleeping at the time, inconvenient.

Don’t even get me started on the “nature walks.” I expect to not have to carry anything other than the current bottle of water I am drinking. We have staff and vehicles for my personal hygiene kit and I feel the housing facilities should have already been assembled prior to our arrival. That’s just poor planning on the management’s part, though, of course, I learned not to complain if only to avoid the surly nature of the staff. In addition, a nature walk generally should be in the 1-2 mile length, not the 60 or so miles we had to complete. Please pass this suggestion along.

All in all, I am not sure how much you charged me for this vacation, but clearly it was not as you represented. If you intend to keep me as a customer and want to avoid me reporting you to the Better Business Bureau, I sincerely hope the monthly follow-up workshops are run a little differently.

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