One of the joys of ODI was being able to spend a little time with some of my friends among the younger ones. Two of my favorites were there at the same table, including “Vince.”
Vince is a giant of a man, emphasized even more so in a picture someone snapped of the two of us together, the top of my head aligned with the bottom of his neck. Being next to him is like being around a jolly Viking that is full of smiles and fun but you know could crush you at any moment. He is also a decorated medic with skills. He likes to help people. I’ve known him for over 3 years now, stayed in touch during his deployment to Iraq, and now he’s back. We would occasionally chat online when he was available. He has seen a great deal of carnage and destruction, earned his combat medic badge many times over, and now is pursuing the rest of his education.
Joking around with our friends he decided that I was his “little man” and no one had better mess with me. “I need to get some sweet tea,” he told the table as I was standing nearby. “There’s some in that pitcher,” someone else said. He responded, “Yeah, well, when I say ‘Sweet Tea,’ that’s what I call my RSM,” and of course everyone whooped and whistled it up from there.
As the dinner came to a close, the colonel was saying thanks to a number of people and said a few nice things about me. There was some applause and as it died down I heard from the back of the room “That’s my Sweet Tea!” I blushed. I was proud, of course, but I blushed anyway. What the heck, women think it’s adorable and that usually gets me hugs and kisses.
Standing outside after dinner I saw Vince off to the side smoking in the bright moonlight. Designated drivers started up vehicles all over the parking lot, getting ready to take their more partied-out friends home.
Before I could even say “hi” he said, “I know I know, but I’m down to just two a day now. I was smoking a pack a day in Iraq.”
“Come on, I’m not about to fault you.”
“It’s better than drinking.”
“Debatable, but we’ll go with that for right now.”
“Yeah, I haven’t been the best person to be around when we’re drinking lately… sometimes I have to go off to be by myself.”
I shut up and just stood there beside him, letting him know by my presence I was listening, even if I wasn’t making uncomfortable eye-contact. He continued, “I guess… I don’t know… Sometimes I just kinda break down. No one understands. Everyone looks to me to be the strong one, so I go away so no one can see me. I’ve got all this training, all this knowledge in my hands and sometimes it just wasn’t enough. There was nothing I could do, no matter how much I tried.”
“I think I can relate.”
“It’s just… I don’t know… it sometimes comes back to me… and… I can’t explain it even to people who were over there.”
I looked up at him, “It’s that helpless feeling, knowing you are doing all you can, but there isn’t… enough… whatever it is you need… it’s not enough, and then there were those times when there were too many patients, and you had to make that decision, which one do I work on… which one is about to die but has the better chance of living… and then working on him, listening to the other one dying, the one you made the decision that you couldn’t get to and save either one. And you question whether you really couldn’t help them both, and those questions keep coming up at the oddest times, you see what was left their faces at the oddest times. And you hate yourself for a moment for not knowing enough to help them both because… for a moment… you think if you just had enough knowledge…” and I let it hang in the air.
His eyes started to show both shock and recognition and he slightly nodded.
“I don’t know exactly what you went through, but I might have been through some similar things. How about you call me or come over next time you start getting that feeling again?”
His head nodded slowly. “Yeah, yeah I think so.”
These are my heroes.
It’s no wonder those people want you around… may your friend find peace in himself.
And you Sir, are theirs. I have no doubt.
No matter how big we are, how strong, how focused we all need a safe place to go. Somewhere we can let the guard down and just be.
Not everyone can offer that, it’s good that they have you.
What Tammi said. Thank heavens for your insight and experiences (and your broad shoulders).
And you are one of mine, RSM.
It is a burden when it seems like the weight of the world is on your shoulders, and your shoulders only… Way to hang for him man… way to hang.
[...] My friend brought up some things that still crop up in my life from many years ago. There are sights, sounds, smells that linger in the memory, too harsh to forget, too pointed to endure so they dull the flesh they pierce over time. It still bleeds, but I feel it less, recognizing the pain with detachment, growing stronger from the scars. [...]