When the Smoke Clears

Tonight’s story was supposed to be more fun tales from the field. Unfortunately I don’t have it in me. The regular job is draining and I am losing motivation, but I have to get back to the big table where all the papers are strewn about and continue to work into the night. The air outside has suddenly warmed and a rain was tinking against the steel roof for a few minutes. The cabin is so quiet right now I felt something humming in my feet. In the guest bedroom a fan turned slowly in the dark. Now I’m left with complete stillness where any noise, even the noise of the keys on the laptop is amplified.

Driving home I was feeling uninspired to keep working tonight. Out at the dark green mailbox up the road was a sampling of cheap flyers for small chain stores nearby, but mixed in was a small padded envelope with a green customs tag on the back, simple block handwriting on the front and a cancellation stamp of the Military Postal Service.

One of my best friends, Butterbar (technically now Blackbar) sent another disc of pictures from Iraq. They don’t come often but they mean a lot. I know the names of almost every man and woman in his unit; I recognize them in the pictures. And yet in that sea of digital camo, I can always spot him, no matter how many are in the picture or how far away it was taken. The zoom feature always proves me right.

He’s my big brother and my little brother at the same time. And I miss him.

Each day I say a short prayer in the morning and evening for him, his 1SG, and his troops. I’d rather be there with them than here, but it couldn’t be worked out.

But the table on which I am working is the table he had his brother make for me. The guest bedroom where the fan was humming is the place where he hung a couple of items before he left and has stuff in the big closet to mark it as his own, several shirts ready for his girlfriend to take to him when they meet up in Germany while he is on leave.

I’m only on the periphery of his life. I can’t imagine how spouses and immediate family deal with this regularly. Maybe it’s why I don’t have a close family yet other than mom. I feel safer keeping some distance, but still, always outside looking in to the lives of people who matter so much.

Add to that, another guest blogger here, Rifle, was recently notified SUDDENLY he was going to the Sandbox. When I say suddenly I mean he had schools lined up, many months before he would be possibly on a rotation through the country, and was given 48 hours notice he would be on his way. His new bride is trying to adjust. She’s a smart, strong, beautiful woman. She is already reaching out for support while finding a way to support others around her. I was in their wedding. I owe her my time and will be there to help her do whatever she needs the moment I know she needs something.

Be safe tonight, all. You’re in my thoughts as always.

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