When the Smoke Clears

Geeks are an important part of the lives of most people in today’s technocentric society. Without them, things fall apart. However, geeks are not as soulless as the electronics they command. As such, you will need to keep a few things in mind when nurturing your own geek:

1. Socially interact with them: This does not have to be in public where others can see you, though it helps. A cool person like yourself needs the geek and the geek needs a cool person’s approval. That’s “symbiosis.” Ask your geek to explain it.

2. Do not overly interact with them: Geeks want your approval but after a while they may tire of you. Make them want you, but be careful not to ignore them completely. Promise you’ll stop by, but only show up 1 out of the 3 times you say you will. Give them the excuse that “something came up with my family, dude. Sorry.” Be certain they can’t catch you in a lie.

3. Do not farm your geek out to many of your other friends: Your friends might be geekless. Since you’re cool, your friends probably are, too, which means they’ll stab you in the back to take something they want. One of them could charm your geek into thinking SHE cares more about him than you.

4. Call occasionally: Not so much that you annoy your geek by interrupting his SciFi Channel Exclusive or his flow when blogging, but enough so that when you do need help, it will appear to be a secondary thought. And don’t try that crap where you call or IM, then go away, then call back in 15 minutes with your problem. One particular Butterbar I know calls me just to talk and see how things are going often enough that I actually believe such a cool guy genuinely likes and cares about me, even when deep down I know he just tolerates me. It makes the calls for assistance a pleasure. When every call or IM eventually leads to a help question, it wears on us since we know what it means. Oh yeah, we know. (that includes you, mom.)

5. Be at your freakin computer or other device when you are calling for our free, 24-hour tech support: Few things piss a geek off more than the vague call expecting us to tell you how to fix something that you can’t really describe and will never remember the steps for repair anyway. (again, you, mom.)

6. Be sexually cautious: If you are planning on using your wiles, be wary. First off, we know what’s coming. Unless you really are going to put out, don’t even start. We aren’t stupid. We lack social skills, not social knowledge. Also, be sure you know our preferences. Ladies, not all male geeks are straight. Guys, not all male geeks are gay in spite of what you called us in high school, Brian. (This corollary applies to female geeks too.) Also, be forewarned: geeks are the most sexually adept, amazing experiences you could ever rut around with in carnal lust. Don’t step across that line unless you want to abandon yourself to involuntary twitches & spasms of pleasurable aftershock hours, occasionally days, later that will finally provide you with fulfillment. Don’t believe it? Send us a message. Try one or a few of us. (this does not apply to you, mom)

Next time, How to Find Your Geek.

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