Je Suis Le Pouffe
October 13th, 2005 by rsm
I am the brigade booty-call.
Figuratively speaking.
See, I’m someone they like to call when they need help, whether it’s communications, computers, audiovisual or medical. It’s like they didn’t want to go out with this fat chick earlier, but then I get that call around 11 pm, Saturday night: “Hey, watcha doin? I was thinking if nothing’s going on, maybe I could come over and we could just hang out, watch TV or something.”
Yeah, baby. Right.
So a few months ago there were plans for a BIG brigade FTX [field training exercise]. All their trained Combat Life Savers would be engaged in training activities. They wondered if I could help with the medical coverage. They weren’t sure if they were even going to have enough people and they knew how much I care about these men and women, so naturally I said yes. MAJ D told me he didn’t think they’d be able to pay me either. No big deal. When the IT geek can try something different for a while, no problem. I had already explained to my buddy MAJ D. of my epiphany about my status.
Then the week before the FTX, MAJ D told me that someone had arranged for some reservists to come along. Wow. They had REAL Reserve medics coming. How fantastic. And… of course… they didn’t really need me.
Oh, I see. You found a better date and so now you’re backing out on me. Gotcha.
MAJ D. said he wouldn’t mind having me along with him anyway as his medic for sick call and walk-arounds. Also, he didn’t know how many of the medics coming would be willing to hike in with the units. No problem. I was ready. I would go to my office per normal and head out with the rest of them in the afternoon.
The morning of the FTX arrived. My phone rang. It was MAJ D. “Hey baby. Uh. Watcha doin?”
“Oh you are not! What happened? Did they not show?”
“I was just thinking, if maybe you weren’t doing anything if you’d want to, you know… hang out this weekend. Oh, and maybe, I don’t know, if you had any medical supplies, maybe you could bring those. Sleeping bags, too.”
“What? What happened?”
Apparently our Reservists showed up but without gear. Hell, one of them showed up without shaving for a few days and reported in to the Colonel that way. Not pretty. By “without gear” what I mean is they had their uniforms on, and that was about it. They figured they’d be staying in a hotel and they didn’t bother with even the basics like their own stethoscopes, penlights, backpacks, jackets etc. One did manage to bring 2 purses. And even though it was late spring, the weather called for a freak snowstorm up on the mountains that afternoon.
I made some calls, got some stuff donated, and put together some kits. Luckily another agency volunteered to send people as well for the experience. They were absolutely great. Still, I was the only medic with boots on the ground for the hike-in. The colonel sent the Reservists home early while I stayed the whole time and loved it. (disclaimer: Most reservist medical teams are very well skilled and prepared. This was just an aberration.)
On the way home I told the Major, “So, I take it your blind date with the hot chick didn’t turn out so well? Here you are, crawling back to me for the good time.”
“I’d love to tell you it’s not like that… but…”
“It’s okay. You know, we fat chicks, we know we’re fat. We know why you call. But you know what? We’re still getting laid.”